Feedback is a gift. - anon
I remember the most useful pieces of feedback that I’ve received over the years. Invariably, they were the ones that stung most at the time. They stung because in my heart of hearts I knew they were based in reality.
Proactively seeking feedback wasn’t a muscle I started out with. Learning to separate the sting of how the feedback was delivered, from the actionable insight it carried was a skill I had to hone.
Seeking feedback and using it to improve is a new skill when we join work. Facing the cold, hard truth of our own shortcomings can be a stinger for the thickest skinned among us. But feedback is invaluable. When received in an environment of psychological safety, it can help us improve like nothing else.
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Luckily, asking for and receiving feedback is a skill that you can get better at with practice. Almost all of us have to. Nobody is really born with this one.
If you’re wondering how to get started on practising this skill, here are the steps that have helped me:
Where do I start? Start by asking for feedback.
The biggest reason people don’t get good quality feedback? They don’t ask.
I know that asking for feedback can feel daunting. Who wants to hear something unpleasant about themselves? Receiving feedback is hard because it clashes two things we deeply want: we want to learn and grow, but we also want to be accepted just as we are.
But here’s the reality- just because you won’t hear it, doesn’t mean that feedback doesn’t exist. Its just not reaching you. And if it doesn’t reach you, then, you can’t do anything about it.
If you face your fears and ask for the feedback, it might feel scary at first, but now you have learnt something new about yourself. You have a chance to fix things and make them better. So, drink the proverbial bitter medicine, and just ask for the feedback.
What should I ask feedback on? Anything that you want to improve. The more specific the ask, the more actionable the feedback.
You can ask feedback for something small – how to land your point in a meeting. You can ask feedback on something big – the quality of the code you’ve written. You can ask for feedback on technical, functional or soft skills.
If you don’t know where to ask, you can even start by asking your manager for feedback on, “I want to improve my performance, what are the two three things I can be doing better?” or “I want to get to the next level, what are the handful of skills I need to demonstrate or results I need to deliver to get there?”
Ask for feedback on anything you’re trying to improve upon.
Who do I ask? Someone who’s been there, done that. And can observe you as you do it.
Sometimes we think only managers or senior leaders are equipped to give us useful feedback. That’s not true. Anybody who has the skills that you’re trying to acquire and can observe what you’re practicing can give you feedback.
Maybe there’s a junior engineer who’s really good at coding with AI; she can review your code and share feedback. Maybe your peer is great at holding others accountable; he can observe how you do it on a project and share feedback. So, ask basis whoever you feel is best equipped with the skills and can observe you.
Also, if you can try to ask multiple folks. Feedback from different perspectives will be richer, and will give you more information to action.
How do I ask for feedback?
Be specific: You know that vague, generic feedback that isn’t actionable or helpful? One way to avoid it is by being specific in your request. You make the request specific by clarifying the specific goal, or context or skill you’re focussing on.
Generic feedback request: How can I get better at meetings?
Feedback request with a specific goal: In the last two meetings, we weren’t able to get a decision, and the discussion veered off. What can I do to ensure we land at a decision by the end of the meeting? (Now you’re asking for feedback with a specific objective)
Feedback request in a specific context: How can I become a better participant during leadership reviews? (Now you’re asking for feedback for a particular type of meeting)
Feedback request on a specific skill: I get a lot of follow-up questions on the update I share. Is there anything I can do to give better updates during leadership reviews so there’s less need for cross-questioning? (Now you’re asking for feedback for a specific skill)
All this sounds idyllic. But what if you don’t yet know the exact context or skill you need feedback on? One handy way you can nudge folks to give specific feedback by making it a multiple-choice response.
Generic request: How can I get better at conducting meetings?
Make it multiple choice: What are the two-three things I can do to make meetings more effective – send agenda beforehand, recap at the end of the meeting, moderate more actively, or something else?
When you give people options, you signal the level of granularity at which you’re seeking feedback. Now that you’ve given them a starting point, it’s easier for them to articulate their feedback.
Make a safe space for them to share. Just like it’s not easy to ask for feedback, its not easy to share it either. People are reluctant to share candid feedback because they don’t want to hurt your feelings, and jeopardise the relationship. You need to signal to them that you can take it.
One way to do that is by saying it in as many words, “Please do share your candid feedback, you’ll help me uncover blind spots and improve.”
Actions do speak louder than words on this one. If people see you tense up, or worse, get defensive; they’ll instinctively start sugar coating things or clam up. You have to be super conscious of not getting defensive or justifying your behaviour in the moment.
One way to avoid that is by imagining the directions the feedback can go before you get into the meeting. Imagining the critique that can come your way, will make you more mentally prepared to handle it.
The second thing is to remind yourself that the objective of this exercise isn’t to change someone’s mind. Each person’s perception is based on what they’ve witnessed from their vantage point – its not the whole reality. Your objective in taking this feedback is to gather information, to understand it in a way that you can action it. Changing perceptions can come in later.
For now, focus on approaching this conversation with curiosity. Ask follow-up questions to understand more: Have you observed this as a pattern? What would be a better way of doing things from your POV?
How do I use feedback to make a change?
Any feedback is only as useful as the change in thinking or behaviour it brings about. You have to intentionally take time to distill what you’ve heard into what makes sense for you to action.
The first step is to let the emotion subside. Even when delivered with empathy, useful feedback can sting. It’s just not easy to hear something critical about ourselves. We have to recognise this and give ourselves some time to let the sting of it subside.
Don’t try to make sense of it all in the moment. Give yourself a day or two. Then, reflect on the data points. What have you heard? How does it corroborate with how you view things? Look for a trendline. And figure out what you can do differently: what is actionable here?
Remember you’re seeking feedback so you can do something you aren’t able to do now. To get to an outcome you can’t now. Feedback gives you a chance to view yourself from the outside-in. Use that perspective to uncover what you can do differently. Build a few hypotheses around, “Next time I’m in this situation, here’s what I’ll do.” And then try them out. See what happens. Use feedback to run small experiments to learn what you can do differently to get different outcomes.
Close the loop: One important step to build a trusted relationship with feedback-sharers is to close the loop with them. Share what you took away from it and how you actioned the feedback.
See, anyone who has shared feedback with you, especially someone doing it in good faith, has kind of gone out on a limb as well. You want to let them know how you used their sharing. That it was useful for you. This makes them more open in sharing feedback with you again. This is how you build a network of trusted advisors.
Putting it into practice:
Identify something you want to improve
Identify someone who does this well and can observe you
Ask for feedback: Make it specific + Make it a safe space
Reflect on the feedback
Take action: small experiments
Close the loop
Now it’s time to try this and then come back and close loop with me.